Salty Seitan, Scourge of the Seven Seas(onings)

Eurgh!!! Does this have Salty Seitan in it, Ma?

He's a bad old boy, is Salty Seitan, worse in someways than his brothers Spongy, Rubbery, Gluteny and of course, the well-intentioned but somewhat misguided Slightly Raw. This seafaring gent will turn up in your stockpot after you've followed the soya-sauce heavy instructions for your cooking broth to the letter and shout 'Ta-ra!' in your face as you try to get over the fact that with every saline mouthful you can feel your blood pressure get higher and higher. His texture's good but boy oh boy, he's a little too in-your-face to be introducing him to the In-Laws as-is, know what I mean?

What are you going to do with ole' Salty? Send him off to that Ancient Mariners' home in the hot composter? Or even worse, just discard him, like a defective prototype? Let us anal-retentive control freaks not forget, it was defective glue that brought about the birth of post-it notes and where would we be without them now? And what about defective car tyres bringing about the birth of modern chewing gum? Who could live without that bad habit?!
So Salty is saved from composting by my hopeful benevolence. It becomes clear the only way to use him is in place of seasoning. He makes a cameo appearance chopped finely in the Tamil Tiger rice the other night and passes by relatively unnoticed (by all but McGonnagle - seitan hater extraordinaire). I make a lunch of quick mac n' cheezeburger using my Salty Seitan, and it's good - me and the boy enjoy it.

Mac n' Cheezeburger - yummy!

So I then push the boat out the following night, and feeling sure I can do a Henry Higgins with Salty's base charms, I make a seitan stroganoff that uses three caramelised onions and an entire carton of Alpro soya cream as the other main ingredients. A bit of lightly steamed broccoli stirred through at the last minute, served up on creamy mash and with a side of sweet-pickled red cabbage and I really, really enjoy it!

Salty's last appearance... seitan stroganoff

'Hey! I've cracked it! ' I think to myself. 'Who'll be able to tell that Salty came from such bad beginnings when I've dressed him up so fancy?' Well, anyone who isn't already pre-disposed towards wheat meat, it seems. Me and the boy loved it, but McGonnagle and SVD kinda retched their way through it, which wasn't quite what I was hoping for.
Ah well, like any outstanding character, Salty inspires love and hate in equal measures. We salute you, feller! But for heavens' sake, leave it a while before you visit again - 'kay?